i thought i had learned,

but i never really did. this seems to be a common theme regarding realizations about myself lately. it's a bit scary as i know that even at this young age, i'm already pretty much who i am with habits i'll have pretty much forever.

so i thought i had learned to better vocalize what i want, what i need, when i'm disappointed, and why more immediately and calmly so as to avoid letting things build up inside, fester, and turn bitter inside or one day explode as they were prone to. i've always been shy-ish. i don't mind confrontation and actually love it once in awhile (ask the bear), but i too often tell myself that i need to pick my issues/fights/whatever, and this is just not one of them, even when it may be. i'm a bad judge in the moment of whether it's an issue worth mentioning or not. i'm really bad at timing and wording when i'm not 100% comfortable, and so even if calm and straightshooting, it sometimes still doesn't come out that way. the working world forced me to get a lot better at it. i've gotten a bit sloppy lately, though. i'm afraid my boss knows it and is just waiting and watching to see if i shape back up. despite that fear, and fear is a very effective way to motivate me, i haven't gotten too much less sloppy.

and so i sit. waiting. for crap i should have done myself instead of delegating. for crap that should have been on my desk end of day yesterday for revisions this morning and to be put in my file by end of day today, for my presentation tomorrow. i was clear about my expectations and deadlines. i guess i wasn't firm and direct enough, even though i know i was. the deadlines were not met. deadlines i set so that we wouldn't be stressed out or scrambling last minute, like we are now. i redlined the crap just now. round of revisions #2 will be happening late tonight or first thing tomorrow. i will print the final draft just in time for my meeting. too close for comfort.

and in the end, it's really not that big of an issue. but it's annoying. and i know it will continue to be. so you bet i'll be letting the one to whom i delegated this task know [calmly and directly, but rather bluntly] whenever the crap finally arrives.

and i forgot tonight that the bear can't read my mind, either. i know he can't, and i do my best to let him know what's going on in my crazy head, at least when i know and can verbalize it. it's just when i'm so tired, i don't remember if i connected the dots of things i said, or explained them simply and directly in bear language. i say things out loud, then things in my head, and don't remember which were said and which weren't in this confused, foggy, sleepy brain.

sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on a person. too bad i'll be in this state for at least another 3-4 years. all ironically so that i can hopefully sleep normally for the rest of my life. that is, unless we decide to have tater tots at some point.

anyway, i'm warning you now. if you never went to school with me, you have not fully experienced the wrath of the sleep-deprived potato.