letter writing campaign

dear exchange students,

i am so amazed by your english skillz. especially you europeans. i'd never be able to hang in a grad school abroad, especially not with the ridiculous jargon. but you do it and do it well. this program is pretty damn hard already even when going through it in my first language. props.

xoxo,
studiomate

p.s. but please try to skype somewhere that is not your desk. i sit pretty far away from you, and i can still hear you. i take my phone out to the hall when taking calls. i know a laptop is a little more cumbersome, but please.

/////

dear neighbors,

shut. up. we have asked you multiple times in person. we have called the cops on you many times. we understand you're young, inconsiderate, and entitled. we understand you don't understand that many people need to get up early to get to jobs because their parents do not pay their rent or mortgage. i also understand your strange practice hours as i am working on my second creative-ish degree. during the process of getting each, i have kept very strange hours. however, i make use of the studio space the schools provided me so as not to disturb my neighbors with any noise, light, or other disturbance i might cause late at night. i advise you find a freaking soundproof practice room at your school...or somewhere not in a quiet, residential subdivision with otherwise quiet neighbors who all seem to go to work early.

and if you just said to yourself, "i can't believe the neighbors are so crotchety," i laugh. don't worry, you'll be just as crotchety in 10 years. i never thought i would be like this, either.

xoxo,
your tired neighbor & her even tired-er husband

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dear professional degree candidates,

it's probably not wise
to borrow over 100k
to go to school
to enter a profession
in which you may never make six figures.

you will probably have major anxiety
during your exit interview
that happens to occur during thesis
during which you're already suffering
from major anxiety.

xoxo,
mm

p.s. i speak not from direct but adjacent experience.

/////

dear los angeles,

i love you. a lot. there are few others places in this country i would rather live. but why do you plot against so many married couples i know (including us) by giving them jobs at opposite ends of southern california? finding affordable housing without having to figure out who should commute how much is already difficult for a couple here. and we'll be even more miz in july when your 405 will be shut down for days. godspeed to us all that week.

xoxo,
angeleno

/////

dear tea,

you're my favorite. that is all.

love,
tea-soaked tater