life is hard.
hey, i need to somehow make up for all that sap last week. i lost my temper this weekend. bad. and in front of others. bad. embarrassing. humbling. some of my college friends called me a closet rager (as in one who seems incapable of raging but can and does...and appears not so at all until you REALLY get to know them). and they didn't even see me lose it as badly as i did this weekend. luckily, i have only gotten this bad in front of family. until this weekend. thank God it's resolved. almost all appropriate apologies have been made. bear and i have made up and gotten a good talk out of it. new strategies have been set that i can hopefully implement to avoid this in the future. confessed. because really, God help me for i really cannot help myself.
it did make me realize, though, that i haven't been completely honest with myself lately about how things aren't all that peachy. yes, overall, the life balance scale for me right now is leaning more towards the good side than the bad side. because the yucky issues i've been dealing with aren't necessarily the hardest i've ever faced thus far, because i know so many around me dealing with so many worse things right now, because i still have so very much and am so blessed, i've been telling myself it's alright. count your blessings. be happy. life really isn't that bad. no, it's not, but i need to be more honest with myself that the hard things are indeed hard, no matter how trivial. everyone's got their own thresholds, and mine ain't that high thanks to the blessed life i've led. plus the recent years have been rather good, and i'm softer than i was even in past years. i need to admit these goings-on do stress me out deep down inside, even if it's only the unconscious me that knows. so glad i got a chance to finally admit it's all been building up, and yeah, i can deal with it all, but barely.
i whine about the every day on the blog, but i try not to whine about the big things. it's partially to protect my and mine's privacy. it's partially because i don't want to be a debbie downer, when really, even in the hard times, there is always something to celebrate. it's partially because i'm human and not always 100% honest with myself and don't want to put it down somewhere in black and white. it's partially because i've got a lot of pride, still have problems asking for and accepting help, and don't want to show myself vulnerable and supposedly weak. i encourage others when they are brave about sharing about the big, bad things and admire them, but i can't bring myself to do it here. yet. maybe never. i long ago once criticized someone's blog because she overshared on it, got hurt by people she knew as a result, and then started posting vague, almost pointless entries all the time. the bear says i am frustratingly vague at times on here. like her. sorry, but i'm not strong enough to make myself that vulnerable yet. and it may be a long time coming.
so i was going to finish this post with the random notes of my reactions i took while watching the olympics opening ceremony on my iphone. was going to post them verbatim, thumb typos and all. as comedic relief or something. i think i'll save it for another entry.
thankfully, i have a lot of great people to whom i can turn and can share the hard things with when i work up the courage to share. talk. lean on a shoulder. with whom i can keep it real before my own version of when keeping it real goes wrong plays out. who can sense and pull it out of me when i don't have the courage or strength to initiate the talking out, feeling the pain, coping, and healing. thank you to all of you.